A lone row to hoe
“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.”
Orson Welles
Being hardwired to find partners is undeniable. The need to feel partnered can be overwhelming. The anxiety over being alone can bring one to his knees. But a person doesn’t make a good half of a couple if she can’t tolerate being by herself. A person who is glomming on to someone to feel more safe, less scared, is a head case, disaster, waiting to happen, even if years off in the future.
Some people think that being married solves the loneliness issue. There are plenty of married people who are actually going through life, emotionally, alone. Being in a relationship does not solve an individual’s deep-seated fear of loneliness or the other conditions of self-loathing and lack of self-love. Those problems are baggage to be sorted through later or ignored and swept under the rug only to bubble up at inopportune times.
Happily married people may feel immune to being alone. Not true. One of the pair is going to end up alone at some point. One half of the couple will die first, in most cases, leaving the other to redefine their life on their own. Alone again. This situation of being alone is more of who is alone the longest.
There is a way to help soothe this malady, this undesirable condition, of loneliness: learning to love oneself and enjoy one self’s company. It sounds simple or even ludicrous, but accomplishing that is cumbersome if one’s life has been spent being put down and spun into insecurity’s cocoon. It seems easier to avoid this ugly scene with denial, but it’s not. This fog may seem to get lost in the everyday chaos, but it never lifts completely.
Thats why I am at my happiest reading a book while listening to my dogs snore. They dont annoy me when they snore. My husand’s snoring drove me crazy!!!!
Thwack! That was the sound of your metaphorical arrow striking my Bull’s Eye… This is so true, KJ!
My anxiety comes from the thought of BEING part of a couple. I can’t tolerate it because I LOVE my ‘me’ time too much. Time expectations and Space invaders suck! And snoring produces homicidal dreams of a cholorform-soaked pillow and the deep-freeze.
Now I think I shall go running, shopping, and do whatever the heck i want…because I CAN.
-Selfish as hell and in need of a shrink, obviously.
Well written, my dear. Marriage can create a new level of loneliness if not careful….
i find this one of your more touching blogs. it speaks loudly to things that i’ve dealt with often throughout my life. there is indeed a difference between being alone and being lonely. the company of others isn’t by any means the cure for loneliness, only a band-aid. in fact you’re quite right when you say that enjoy the company of your self is much more important. however, this can be difficult at best when you don’t like yourself or suffer from any of a variety of crises of self-image. it’s worse when these feelings are exacerbated by the actions (or antipathy or simply…words fail me…others not caring, i guess) of others. trust issues notwithstanding, learning the art of being alone, for it is an art, is the first step towards re-connecting with others.
Enjoying “me” company is good in small doses, even if the company is a bit insane already. Try “me” company for a hours on end, and the bats start flapping. Yes, everything you said is true, 100%,but sometimes, just sometimes, the feeling is so overwhelming that the thought of an asylum sounds comforting, knowing that the interns will make a periodic visit…
So true… After thinking ad nauseum about my relationship, I realized I was alone, that part of the team was off doing their own thing and not letting me in because of her relationship with her father as a child.